I recently sent a letter-to-the-editor of a major online publication. In reply I got this e-message:

This was terrific news. My letter wasn't flat out guaranteed of publication, but plainly I had Ellen Arbogast herself in my corner and on my side. You know what they say: "It's not what you know, it's who you know." (I always wanted to change that to whom, but I never knew who to suggest it to.)

Anyway, I felt pretty connected, for a change, so I did write back.

And I got this response:

Thank you for taking the time to contact USA ONLINE. On behalf of the Editorial Board, I would like to thank you for the letter to the editor you submitted. We value you … etc.

So I answered:

You responded with the same exact letter to two different letters I sent you. At first I'm thinking, What are the odds of that? Then I'm like, maybe these are just form letters, you know?

So I reread the letter, and my heart sank. You probably tell everyone their letter is thoughtful, and that their opinion is important to you. I am so embarrassed. I really felt you were reaching out to me.

I am just writing to let you know I do not expect any special favors from you regarding my letter. Read it, evaluate it, and lay it on the line. Then tell me straight out. I'm a big boy. Sincerely, etc., Michael Finley

And this is what I got in reply:

Thank you for taking the time to contact USA ONLINE. On behalf of the Editorial Board, I would like … etc

I fired back with:

Dear Ellen Arbogast, I'm not a fancy editor. I don't enjoy the respect of millions. But I do know a bit about simple manners and decency. And when I lay my heart out like I did, the last thing I expected from you, and from USA ONLINE, was a flippant reply.

Is business so slow, are you and your staff so idle, that you have nothing better to do than toy with an honest correspondent's emotions?

I'm shocked and disappointed, and unless I get word from you by return mail that you intend to use my letter, I intend to very seriously consider canceling my subscription! Sincerely … etc.

Thank you for taking the time to contact USA ONLINE. Et cetera.

I was stunned. Quaking with rage, I composed the final message:

Dear Ms. Arbogast. I am sorry that our communications could not proceed along more civilized lines. I believe that I offered my part sincerely and without reservation. You, for your part, saw fit to reply with a teasing, wheedling tone.

All I can say is that I am happy that you live and work in New York, where there are lots and lots of psychiatrists and you can pick one that has special knowledge and experience with the kind of anger syndrome your behavior evidences.

What makes this especially poignant for me is that I felt, from your first letter, that we might be friends.

Please let me know if this means my letter will definitely not be published. Sincerely, etc.... Michael Finley

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