I've been wrestling for years with a certain frustration. I'll be reading a story, or watching a movie or play, and it will occur to me that the characters would not get all tied into knots if they only shared the information they had with one another.

In fiction and in theater, whole plots are carried along by well-intentioned characters misunderstanding one another, or not knowing what the audience knows. Without this ignorance, the stories could not advance to their exciting conclusions - usually a combination of gruesome action and mental discovery.

So I thought, what if we used information technology to force characters to do data-dumps with one another? If characters told one another all they know upfront, they could better evaluate one another's intentions, and resolve storylines without the gruesome endgame.

Imagine the characters of Hamlet, assembled in a real-time, online chatroom, where this group searches for a peaceful, non-rapier soltion to the troubles in Denmark.

GHOST: My queen and my brother put poison in my ear and stole my throne.

GERTRUDE: That's a lie. Besides, the night before you said you were tired of being king.

GHOST: I said I was tired of reception lines. I liked being a despot.

GERTRUDE: Sorry about that.

HAMLET: Father, correct me if I'm on the wrong track here. But I'll bet you'd like me to go on a tormented suicidal killing rampage, avenge your death, wipe out your dynasty, and turn your kingdom over to armed foreigners. Right?

GHOST: Actually, I was just hoping you'd give my brother a stern talking-to.

GERTRUDE: You know, Hamlet, your father was far from perfect. He was funneling royal revenues into an alchemy project at the university in Copenhagen. He was throwing good money after bad. Your uncle and I stepped in to stabilize the treasury. For the good of the people. That's all we ever wanted.

CLAUDIUS: Plus, I had the hots for your mom big time. You know, forbidden love. Now that we're married, I'm thinking, what was with that? Also, we were all raised by the Medicis and had terrible role models. It's not our fault we grew up to be conspiratorial murderers!

POLONIUS: And you know, son, I have nothing against you, son, but all your rebellious talk makes me think you're a little cuckoo, and not a suitable choice for my daughter Ophelia.

HAMLET: Gee, the last thing I want to do, then, is stab you through the curtain while you eavesdrop on my tortured conversations, then. From now on, all you have to do is mention your concerns to me. I think you'll discover that I'm intense, but I'm fair.

OPHELIA: He's my melancholy baby! Although, to be honest, Horatio does seem a little more down to earth. And he has those dreamy brown eyes.

LAERTES: I think I've got a bad duplex configuration. Can anyone read this? Hello?

GHOST: The truth is, I just wanted wanted a little attention. Being dead is a drag compared to being king.

HAMLET: Mother, I'm sorry I accused you of incest and murder most foul.

GERTRUDE: Oh, I can't be mad at you, my son. Here, let me clasp you to my bosom!

HAMLET: Truth is, I didn't really know Yorick all that well. He had the soul of a jester, but the breath of a Viking. Well, I guess we can all limp along about the way we've been doing then. For Act V, why don't we have a good old-fashioned Danish barbecue?

ROSENKRANTZ: Chiclet?

GUILDENSTERN: Thanks. I wonder what's playing at the Tivoli.

FORTINBRAS: I still don't know what I'm doing in this play.

[logoff omnes]

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